Not ok cupid.

I took a long break from dating after my divorce. Everyone has an opinion if that’s good or bad for you to do, but it’s what I did. When I finally decided I didn’t want to die alone with an apartment full of cats, I entered into the online dating world. I used to use online dating as a fun way to go out all the time…how different could it be now? As a self proclaimed workaholic, I have a hard time meeting people. And waiting for my Prince Charming to just knock on my door one day, ready to start our lives together, gets boring. I want to have fun!

I am a firm believer in chemistry. If I don’t feel a connection in person, let’s not waste each other’s time. So I don’t do the lengthy getting to know ya’s online. Which led to my first online date. We met for a hike, because I’m a multitasker and needed my workout. We went out for the longest hour of my life. He told me about his ex, his health conditions, and that people at work call him Dahmer behind his back. I will never get that hour back.

I am an optimist I believe at heart. So I went out again for drinks. This boy greatly disliked women. We argued most of the date. He told me he never planned on marrying because women just leave you and take your money and home. He doesn’t pay for a date because that’s what guys do when they want sex… and he’s good without. And women on their periods should stay home rather than go to work and take it out on the men there. I ended our date. I sent a text to my friend about how bad this date was… it mistakenly went to him. Awkward! He messaged me a few days later. Are we not going out again? I thought… were we on two different dates that he thinks that’s a viable option?!

And then there was Mr Tall Dark and Handsome. Felt the sparks…yes I did. Then I googled him and read all the police reports on him… seriously, wtf. I texted him and asked if he ever googled himself, because I did. Weirdly he never responded to that text…

I have not given up on online dating. There were a few nice boys that were just not a match. And I know many couples who have met, married, and found their soul mate online. This all gives my little optimistic heart hope for my happy ending. I’m still planning on my Prince Charming just showing up one day and saying ‘scoot those cats over, I’m here at last!’.

haven ~

Night terrors

I don’t sleep well. Ever. I envy the people who say they spend all day out cold recharging their batteries. If I do enjoy that kind of sleep it’s due to exhaustion. When did it start you ask?

A lifetime ago I had a not nice boyfriend. He left me with such memories as the day he wanted sex and I said no. He took it anyway. I cried the whole time. I spent years debating in my head if I had a right to feel violated by that. We loved each other… right? That wasn’t where my sleep problems started though. When I left him he said he would kill me one day. Welcome the night terrors.

I spent a lot of my 20’s surviving on sleeping pills and ephedra to wake back up. Healthy? No. But everyone needs sleep. I would drink. Go to the gym. Work. And then take pills on my weekends to get through. I spent an entire weekend knocked out on Nyquil… because being alone with my thoughts is hard.

In recent years I had another person in my life who had an interesting version of sleep walking. I would be woken up by him grabbing violently at my private parts. He would attempt to violate me with no recollection in the morning. On good days he would acknowledge I was upset. On bad he would accuse me of lying, as he had no memory of it. I was hurt and confused. Can you be mad at someone who doesn’t remember? I told myself many times I could ALLOW myself to be angry at him for refusing counseling for it. But did I have a right to feel bad about anything else. We loved each other… right? I never told many people. When you tell people a crazy story like that and say my loved one is sleep rapey, people don’t know what to say. Awkward.

If he tried to wake me, I woke up either screaming or in fight mode. I didn’t even try to make the connection as to why I was suddenly a lunatic in my sleep. Neither of us even questioned where this came from all of a sudden. He would just wake me from across the room to avoid my waking panic attack.

I ended up leaving both those people, but not for the reasons given. And the terror now is how will I sleep next to someone again and not be in fight or flight mode. Living on my own, I finally realized how hard it would be as I jump out of sleep at every noise. I cry whenever I see a woman on TV get attacked in a sexual nature. I also can’t help watching those programs because I feel I understand them and I’m less alone.

In the recent world of ‘me too’ on social media I decided to share this. I felt alone. And violated by people I trusted. And it has left ongoing issues. Maybe there’s one person out there who feels less alone by reading it, like myself watching those TV shows. And maybe putting a voice to it makes the terror a little less.

haven~

just me

Welcome to havensheart! I named this blog after my new business. Which, as a divorced 40 year old, was really the start of my new life. I’m going to share some of the ‘is it just me’ dating adventures I have and maybe find the courage to share some of my darker life stories. Personally speaking, I feel more at ease when I know it’s not ‘just me’ in both the humor and the horrific.

A little about me. I’ve had more downs than ups in relationships which has left me with anxiety issues, sleep issues, and various other things ending in the word issue. I fight my demons every day and have learned to co-exist with them…more or less. (the demons need cuddles too after all). When I ended my marriage I took a break from dating for over a year. I’m just now putting my toe in the online dating pool which is a world all its own. I’ve been hanging out in the shallow end of the pool for a quick escape…my new rule is that if I find my cat more engaging company they don’t get a second date.

So come back and visit while I try to find humor in life’s little traumas.

haven~